Maze Of Memories
The alarm does not sound right. I must get the batteries replaced.
Winters have never been so bright before. Where Am I? Where are my glasses? I feel blind as an owl.
I feel the edge of my corner table, searching for my spectacles. I’m sure I left them in their regular “Place Here Before Sleep” tray.
As I fumble around, letting my eyes adjust to the surroundings, I feel my throat constrict and I let out an involuntary gasp. Where the heck am I?
#The Room Where It Began
As far as my long-arm sight would allow me to see, I see nothing but white blank space. I turn around and stumble. The bed I thought I had just gotten out of is nowhere to be seen. No corner table, no alarm clock.
I try hard to remember the last thing before I landed here in the middle of nowhere.
The smell of the freshly baked cake fills the air. I was baking for my daughter.There was good news on the phone a few hours earlier.
“Hello Ma, Azmat here. You are a brand new Grammy. We just had a baby boy. Shay is doing well and the baby too. We’ll be out of the hospital soon. We’re coming home to see you. Tomorrow evening most likely.”
I had been jubilant. The warmth in my heart grew yet again here as I think of the phone call. But it didn’t make any sense, I must have gotten here somehow after that. There must be a door I walked in through.
To my surprise, as soon as the thought had formulated, I see a large worn out castle door up ahead. It looked just as creaky as I did. I must say I am not all that old, but age has begun to take its toll already, what with the wrinkly skin and the bad eyesight.
The wooden door is lined with ivy. Some kind of a dream this is. And hanging in the ivy, in elegant handwritten words is a sign - "You have one hour. Do Not Touch the Walls."
I extend a wrinkled hand towards the door knob, pondering over the adventure that I’m about to embark on. The familiar handwriting is none but mine.
#The Hospital Room
The door is wide open at the touch of my hand. My hand! The wrinkles are no longer as prominent as they were a moment ago. The walls are shimmery. I must be careful not to touch them.
As my vision settles, I see Shaina, my daughter is by my side. I remember seeing her this way.
The hallway is all the more familiar. I walk up ahead and pause. Can this be deja-vu? Room no 390.
I turn around to see Shay. She eggs me on. I take a deep breath and go into the room.
I see him there strapped onto the bed, a million machinery whizzing by. I know he doesn’t have much time. There was once I had vowed never to see him again, but I had never imagined this was how I would be seeing him again. I’ve been through this before. Gavin.
As he opens his eyes, I notice the lovely brown has now faded. There is a faint hint of recognition, he smiles and his eyes crinkle. ”Shriya,” he croaks. Despite all these years my name still feels like butter on his lips. I take a chair by his bed.
“Shriya, you came! I couldn’t let go till I’d seen you one last time. I knew you would come back for me. I waited for too long Shri. You look just as beautiful as I’ve dreamt of you every single night since the day we parted. I have never been able to love anyone again as much as I have loved you.”
“Gavin,” I say. Words fail me as I try to talk through my tears. Nothing has prepared me to see him this way. My Gavin was a strong young man, full of ambitions and hopes and a happy smile on his face. He could light up my day bright and full of sunshine any day. Yet here he lay before me, frail and helpless.
Why did you do this to yourself? Why could you not let go of me? If only I had the courage to stand up to people back then. This is all my fault. I have always loved you. There could never be a man in my life other than you. I would have looked after you. You wouldn’t have to leave the world so early.
My thoughts were racing but I had no words to say.
“You have a daughter. She is beautiful. Reminds me of the times I fell for you. What is her name?”
“Vin, that’s Shaina.”
His eyes light up at the name, he looks into my eyes for an affirmation. I cannot handle the overload of emotions, I nod a yes and rush out of the room.
#The Home Coming
The door ripples at my touch and I find that I have reached my home. I cannot believe what is happening to me.
Those were the last moments I had spent with Gavin. He had passed away last year. They say there was a smile on his face despite the pain he was going through. But it had seemed all too real and just a moment ago, before I took the door.
Krrrrr goes the doorbell, breaking me from my reveries.
I look to the mirror out of habit, before heading to the door. The clothes are different. I am different. I feel younger.
Shaina walks into the house. She is sobbing inconsolably. Shay’s boyfriend Azmat follows her in.
“They will not agree to the marriage”, he explains. Shay and Azmat have been like lovebirds.
Inseparable since the time they met. Azmat’s parents are orthodox Muslims. And the thought of having a Hindu bride seemed blasphemous to them.
It reminds me of the time I had spent with Vin.
“Maybe I should try talking to them”, I suggest. Shay looks up in amazement.
“Ma, I haven’t been good to you. I fought with you over something you had no control over. I ran away at the first chance I could find. I haven’t been a good daughter to you. You still found your own way to fund my living. I didn’t have the courage to face you, I could not return because I was guilty of all the pain I caused you. I don’t even know why you are willing to help me now.”
“Shay, I am your mother. You are forgiven even before you make a mistake. Your fight with me was my inability to keep my family. I do not regret it .That apart to love is not a mistake. Azmat is more than just your boyfriend. In the few months that we have known each other, he has been a son to me. I cannot bear to see pain in the eyes of both my son and my daughter, over something as petty as religious differences. Leave it to me to convince your parents Azmat. I will not make the same mistake twice.”
“You were never in love with Dad?”
“He was a really good father to you. I will forever be grateful to him for that.”
“Why did you have to separate?”
“It’s a long story. Not very interesting. For now let me go get you something to eat. Go freshen up”
#The Breakup
As I walk into the kitchen, I feel a tingle in my spine. The walls are still too hazy.
I can see Shay, a younger version, just hitting her adulthood storming out of the house. I remember the day burnt in my memory. Being a single mother was proving difficult for me. Shay was rebellious. That day she had been very upset at me. She knew I was the reason her father had left us.
She wouldn’t spare a chance to make me feel guilty about it. I had managed to avert her questions till that day, when I’d lost my patience and slapped her. It had broken all ties between us and she had walked out of home, until the next time with Azmat.
The walls stop shimmering and I find myself in the living room of the big house that belonged to my husband, Jayanth. The walls are decorated with pictures from the recent vacation. Shay and Jay having the time of their lives. They adore each other. Ours is a perfect family.
Shay is sitting amongst her toys. She is all of seven years. A bubbling ball of energies. I’ve just baked a batch of cookies for her and the smell is heavenly.
“Dadaaaaaa”, she squeals with joy and runs to Jayanth who has just returned from work.
“Get out of my way!” He pushes her aside.
I have never seen him in such a temper before. Shay is the apple of his eye. I rush out of the kitchen to face him. His eyes are red and I am clueless of the reason for his changed behaviour.
“How long have you known?” he asks.
“Shay is not mine.” He declares.
I look at him dumbstruck. It’s impossible I think, but then again why not.
Some part of me is jumping in joy. Can it be true? Does that mean...
“But what do you mean?” I ask.
He narrates the events that had taken place a week previously at the hospital when a doctor had asked him how old the child was when it was adopted pointing at Shaina. And when he had insisted that she was his own, the doctor had shown him reports that he was infertile and this had led to him getting a DNA test of my daughter thus proving her to be mine but not his.
As much a blow in the guts, I feel exhilarated. I know the moment is wrong but I plop on the floor and burst into fits of laughter as I understand the cruel trick of life. Gavin.
#The Big Fat Wedding
The walls around me dissolved yet again. I was getting used to this already. Expecting yet another memory.
I see the patterns develop on my hands, mehndi for the long life of the groom. I am sitting here decked up in a red lehenga. My eyes have puffed up from the long hours of crying as I contemplate ending my life.
Why must I get married? A question I have asked over and over again over the last few weeks as my parents looked at prospective grooms.
I do not wish to get married, I belong to someone already I say as my plea falls on deaf ears.
They zero in on Jayanth, a tall dark handsome guy belonging to a rich family, having a well accomplished business reaching out to America.
Why not Gavin? I ask although the answer is pretty plain. It has always been crystal clear, from the day I’d first fallen for him. I belong to a well off, highly respectable clan of the Rathores. To even consider getting me married off to a Hindu of a lower caste would be shameful. To expect an interfaith marriage I must have gone nuts.
What would happen to societal norms? People would lose respect for my family. “You would put us all to grave shame. Don’t you dare take his name again! If we hear anything about you and him again, we’ll make sure he doesn’t see another day! ”
Tat-tat – the window behind me rattles “Shri….” Tat-tat-tat. ”Shri…”
“Vin, is that you? What are you doing here?”
“Hanging by your window. Will have to take the jump down if you don’t open the window already.”
“Vin, I cannot afford to lose you. They will hunt you down if you are seen with me.”
“Shri, don’t get married please. You are mine. Give me some time. I will convince your family.”
“Vin, please go. I don’t want to see you ever again.”
#The Happy Times
The walls have started dissolving. The tears are burning in my eyes. As I travel out of yet another memory, it occurs to me that I did lose my virginity the day of my wedding, only not to the man I was getting married to but to the man I loved. It was in the heat of the moment following the heart shattering goodbye. Love is not bound by reason after all.
I find myself in a meadow of sunflowers. Tall stalks of bright green as far the eyes can see topped with the sun kissed yellow flowers. I see Gavin at a little distance. He is urging me to follow him. I walk cautiously trying not to touch anything, wondering how long has it been since I started. One hour the sign had said, but it felt like a long time ago.
I know this place well. We had come here for our first date, hiding from all too curious eyes. We had visited the meadows a few times since then. One of Gavin’s favourite places. We trudge up to a small hillock.
Gavin lies flat on the grass. I sit beside him looking into his eyes, the colour of the earth wet by the first drops of rain. In that instant I know the ocean of love that he holds for me. He is smiling and happy. No clue of the future that I’ve just been through.
“Shri, my kids will look just like you. That cute pink nose you have and those yummy lips.”
“Ha-ha only if you get to marry me”, I laugh.
“I will marry you and you alone. Nothing in this world can stand in my way. You will be mine right?”
“Vin, my family...”
“Shriya please believe me. I will take care of that. You tell me what we shall name our kids. Shrivin? Vinshri? Gaya?” He guffaws.
“Ugh what crazy names”
“You know Shri, I think we’ll have a lovely daughter just like you. And we’ll call her Shaina”
“No ways Gavin. I want a son. Just as naughty as you are. With your big fat nose and those lovely brown eyes.”
“But a son like me would mean double trouble for you. You will have to handle the two of us.”
“I’m good enough for both of you. Will spank you both if you get too naughty” Our laughter fills the air.
“Amay Rathore Gonsalves, what do you think Shri?”
“Sounds like danger to me”
“Gavin”, I ask again in apprehension. ”What if?”
“Shriya, forget everything and everyone. Just be there for me. I need you. Do you trust me? Will you come with me?”
He extends his hand out – A promise in his eyes.
#The Reality
I remember that day when I had had this chance and I had lost it. I hadn’t had the courage to reach out to him. And now seeing that I have this second chance, I do not think again. I grab out for his hand. I did forever belong to him after all I had been through.
As my fingers touch his, there is a radiant smile on his face. The last thing I remember before it all fades. My vision is all hazy again. My heart is light. I spiral out of all the walls with pictures and memories all too fast to catch up with.
I open my watery eyes, blinking them slowly. Every little movement is excruciatingly painful. I can barely see anything. I have a mask on.My breathing is heavy. I hear faint alarms and machines whizzing.
And then I see them, the same brown eyes, the lovely chocolate ones. She’s crying. Shaina.
“Ma, Why did this happen?”
I see Azmat. There is a small bundle in his arms. He comes over close by. I see a pudgy nose and rosy lips. An instant smile on my tired face.
“Amay”, I smile. My voice is all croaky.
The alarm clock in my head – the heart monitor goes into a long beep.
#Epilogue
The doctor announces – We are sorry for the loss. We tried our best. Death due to a cardiac arrest. She must have been a strong lady. She fought for an hour before giving in. What’s intriguing is that she was peaceful. Had a smile on her face. Very similar to a patient I had attended when I had been an intern last year.
Shay gives a weak smile. “Love”
Azmat stands by holding her in his arms with the new born – Amay - a Rathore, a Gonsalves and a Khan.
Winters have never been so bright before. Where Am I? Where are my glasses? I feel blind as an owl.
I feel the edge of my corner table, searching for my spectacles. I’m sure I left them in their regular “Place Here Before Sleep” tray.
As I fumble around, letting my eyes adjust to the surroundings, I feel my throat constrict and I let out an involuntary gasp. Where the heck am I?
#The Room Where It Began
As far as my long-arm sight would allow me to see, I see nothing but white blank space. I turn around and stumble. The bed I thought I had just gotten out of is nowhere to be seen. No corner table, no alarm clock.
I try hard to remember the last thing before I landed here in the middle of nowhere.
The smell of the freshly baked cake fills the air. I was baking for my daughter.There was good news on the phone a few hours earlier.
“Hello Ma, Azmat here. You are a brand new Grammy. We just had a baby boy. Shay is doing well and the baby too. We’ll be out of the hospital soon. We’re coming home to see you. Tomorrow evening most likely.”
I had been jubilant. The warmth in my heart grew yet again here as I think of the phone call. But it didn’t make any sense, I must have gotten here somehow after that. There must be a door I walked in through.
To my surprise, as soon as the thought had formulated, I see a large worn out castle door up ahead. It looked just as creaky as I did. I must say I am not all that old, but age has begun to take its toll already, what with the wrinkly skin and the bad eyesight.
The wooden door is lined with ivy. Some kind of a dream this is. And hanging in the ivy, in elegant handwritten words is a sign - "You have one hour. Do Not Touch the Walls."
I extend a wrinkled hand towards the door knob, pondering over the adventure that I’m about to embark on. The familiar handwriting is none but mine.
#The Hospital Room
The door is wide open at the touch of my hand. My hand! The wrinkles are no longer as prominent as they were a moment ago. The walls are shimmery. I must be careful not to touch them.
As my vision settles, I see Shaina, my daughter is by my side. I remember seeing her this way.
The hallway is all the more familiar. I walk up ahead and pause. Can this be deja-vu? Room no 390.
I turn around to see Shay. She eggs me on. I take a deep breath and go into the room.
I see him there strapped onto the bed, a million machinery whizzing by. I know he doesn’t have much time. There was once I had vowed never to see him again, but I had never imagined this was how I would be seeing him again. I’ve been through this before. Gavin.
As he opens his eyes, I notice the lovely brown has now faded. There is a faint hint of recognition, he smiles and his eyes crinkle. ”Shriya,” he croaks. Despite all these years my name still feels like butter on his lips. I take a chair by his bed.
“Shriya, you came! I couldn’t let go till I’d seen you one last time. I knew you would come back for me. I waited for too long Shri. You look just as beautiful as I’ve dreamt of you every single night since the day we parted. I have never been able to love anyone again as much as I have loved you.”
“Gavin,” I say. Words fail me as I try to talk through my tears. Nothing has prepared me to see him this way. My Gavin was a strong young man, full of ambitions and hopes and a happy smile on his face. He could light up my day bright and full of sunshine any day. Yet here he lay before me, frail and helpless.
Why did you do this to yourself? Why could you not let go of me? If only I had the courage to stand up to people back then. This is all my fault. I have always loved you. There could never be a man in my life other than you. I would have looked after you. You wouldn’t have to leave the world so early.
My thoughts were racing but I had no words to say.
“You have a daughter. She is beautiful. Reminds me of the times I fell for you. What is her name?”
“Vin, that’s Shaina.”
His eyes light up at the name, he looks into my eyes for an affirmation. I cannot handle the overload of emotions, I nod a yes and rush out of the room.
#The Home Coming
The door ripples at my touch and I find that I have reached my home. I cannot believe what is happening to me.
Those were the last moments I had spent with Gavin. He had passed away last year. They say there was a smile on his face despite the pain he was going through. But it had seemed all too real and just a moment ago, before I took the door.
Krrrrr goes the doorbell, breaking me from my reveries.
I look to the mirror out of habit, before heading to the door. The clothes are different. I am different. I feel younger.
Shaina walks into the house. She is sobbing inconsolably. Shay’s boyfriend Azmat follows her in.
“They will not agree to the marriage”, he explains. Shay and Azmat have been like lovebirds.
Inseparable since the time they met. Azmat’s parents are orthodox Muslims. And the thought of having a Hindu bride seemed blasphemous to them.
It reminds me of the time I had spent with Vin.
“Maybe I should try talking to them”, I suggest. Shay looks up in amazement.
“Ma, I haven’t been good to you. I fought with you over something you had no control over. I ran away at the first chance I could find. I haven’t been a good daughter to you. You still found your own way to fund my living. I didn’t have the courage to face you, I could not return because I was guilty of all the pain I caused you. I don’t even know why you are willing to help me now.”
“Shay, I am your mother. You are forgiven even before you make a mistake. Your fight with me was my inability to keep my family. I do not regret it .That apart to love is not a mistake. Azmat is more than just your boyfriend. In the few months that we have known each other, he has been a son to me. I cannot bear to see pain in the eyes of both my son and my daughter, over something as petty as religious differences. Leave it to me to convince your parents Azmat. I will not make the same mistake twice.”
“You were never in love with Dad?”
“He was a really good father to you. I will forever be grateful to him for that.”
“Why did you have to separate?”
“It’s a long story. Not very interesting. For now let me go get you something to eat. Go freshen up”
#The Breakup
As I walk into the kitchen, I feel a tingle in my spine. The walls are still too hazy.
I can see Shay, a younger version, just hitting her adulthood storming out of the house. I remember the day burnt in my memory. Being a single mother was proving difficult for me. Shay was rebellious. That day she had been very upset at me. She knew I was the reason her father had left us.
She wouldn’t spare a chance to make me feel guilty about it. I had managed to avert her questions till that day, when I’d lost my patience and slapped her. It had broken all ties between us and she had walked out of home, until the next time with Azmat.
The walls stop shimmering and I find myself in the living room of the big house that belonged to my husband, Jayanth. The walls are decorated with pictures from the recent vacation. Shay and Jay having the time of their lives. They adore each other. Ours is a perfect family.
Shay is sitting amongst her toys. She is all of seven years. A bubbling ball of energies. I’ve just baked a batch of cookies for her and the smell is heavenly.
“Dadaaaaaa”, she squeals with joy and runs to Jayanth who has just returned from work.
“Get out of my way!” He pushes her aside.
I have never seen him in such a temper before. Shay is the apple of his eye. I rush out of the kitchen to face him. His eyes are red and I am clueless of the reason for his changed behaviour.
“How long have you known?” he asks.
“Shay is not mine.” He declares.
I look at him dumbstruck. It’s impossible I think, but then again why not.
Some part of me is jumping in joy. Can it be true? Does that mean...
“But what do you mean?” I ask.
He narrates the events that had taken place a week previously at the hospital when a doctor had asked him how old the child was when it was adopted pointing at Shaina. And when he had insisted that she was his own, the doctor had shown him reports that he was infertile and this had led to him getting a DNA test of my daughter thus proving her to be mine but not his.
As much a blow in the guts, I feel exhilarated. I know the moment is wrong but I plop on the floor and burst into fits of laughter as I understand the cruel trick of life. Gavin.
#The Big Fat Wedding
The walls around me dissolved yet again. I was getting used to this already. Expecting yet another memory.
I see the patterns develop on my hands, mehndi for the long life of the groom. I am sitting here decked up in a red lehenga. My eyes have puffed up from the long hours of crying as I contemplate ending my life.
Why must I get married? A question I have asked over and over again over the last few weeks as my parents looked at prospective grooms.
I do not wish to get married, I belong to someone already I say as my plea falls on deaf ears.
They zero in on Jayanth, a tall dark handsome guy belonging to a rich family, having a well accomplished business reaching out to America.
Why not Gavin? I ask although the answer is pretty plain. It has always been crystal clear, from the day I’d first fallen for him. I belong to a well off, highly respectable clan of the Rathores. To even consider getting me married off to a Hindu of a lower caste would be shameful. To expect an interfaith marriage I must have gone nuts.
What would happen to societal norms? People would lose respect for my family. “You would put us all to grave shame. Don’t you dare take his name again! If we hear anything about you and him again, we’ll make sure he doesn’t see another day! ”
Tat-tat – the window behind me rattles “Shri….” Tat-tat-tat. ”Shri…”
“Vin, is that you? What are you doing here?”
“Hanging by your window. Will have to take the jump down if you don’t open the window already.”
“Vin, I cannot afford to lose you. They will hunt you down if you are seen with me.”
“Shri, don’t get married please. You are mine. Give me some time. I will convince your family.”
“Vin, please go. I don’t want to see you ever again.”
#The Happy Times
The walls have started dissolving. The tears are burning in my eyes. As I travel out of yet another memory, it occurs to me that I did lose my virginity the day of my wedding, only not to the man I was getting married to but to the man I loved. It was in the heat of the moment following the heart shattering goodbye. Love is not bound by reason after all.
I find myself in a meadow of sunflowers. Tall stalks of bright green as far the eyes can see topped with the sun kissed yellow flowers. I see Gavin at a little distance. He is urging me to follow him. I walk cautiously trying not to touch anything, wondering how long has it been since I started. One hour the sign had said, but it felt like a long time ago.
I know this place well. We had come here for our first date, hiding from all too curious eyes. We had visited the meadows a few times since then. One of Gavin’s favourite places. We trudge up to a small hillock.
Gavin lies flat on the grass. I sit beside him looking into his eyes, the colour of the earth wet by the first drops of rain. In that instant I know the ocean of love that he holds for me. He is smiling and happy. No clue of the future that I’ve just been through.
“Shri, my kids will look just like you. That cute pink nose you have and those yummy lips.”
“Ha-ha only if you get to marry me”, I laugh.
“I will marry you and you alone. Nothing in this world can stand in my way. You will be mine right?”
“Vin, my family...”
“Shriya please believe me. I will take care of that. You tell me what we shall name our kids. Shrivin? Vinshri? Gaya?” He guffaws.
“Ugh what crazy names”
“You know Shri, I think we’ll have a lovely daughter just like you. And we’ll call her Shaina”
“No ways Gavin. I want a son. Just as naughty as you are. With your big fat nose and those lovely brown eyes.”
“But a son like me would mean double trouble for you. You will have to handle the two of us.”
“I’m good enough for both of you. Will spank you both if you get too naughty” Our laughter fills the air.
“Amay Rathore Gonsalves, what do you think Shri?”
“Sounds like danger to me”
“Gavin”, I ask again in apprehension. ”What if?”
“Shriya, forget everything and everyone. Just be there for me. I need you. Do you trust me? Will you come with me?”
He extends his hand out – A promise in his eyes.
#The Reality
I remember that day when I had had this chance and I had lost it. I hadn’t had the courage to reach out to him. And now seeing that I have this second chance, I do not think again. I grab out for his hand. I did forever belong to him after all I had been through.
As my fingers touch his, there is a radiant smile on his face. The last thing I remember before it all fades. My vision is all hazy again. My heart is light. I spiral out of all the walls with pictures and memories all too fast to catch up with.
I open my watery eyes, blinking them slowly. Every little movement is excruciatingly painful. I can barely see anything. I have a mask on.My breathing is heavy. I hear faint alarms and machines whizzing.
And then I see them, the same brown eyes, the lovely chocolate ones. She’s crying. Shaina.
“Ma, Why did this happen?”
I see Azmat. There is a small bundle in his arms. He comes over close by. I see a pudgy nose and rosy lips. An instant smile on my tired face.
“Amay”, I smile. My voice is all croaky.
The alarm clock in my head – the heart monitor goes into a long beep.
#Epilogue
The doctor announces – We are sorry for the loss. We tried our best. Death due to a cardiac arrest. She must have been a strong lady. She fought for an hour before giving in. What’s intriguing is that she was peaceful. Had a smile on her face. Very similar to a patient I had attended when I had been an intern last year.
Shay gives a weak smile. “Love”
Azmat stands by holding her in his arms with the new born – Amay - a Rathore, a Gonsalves and a Khan.
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